Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

May never get over this

Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?

Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.

Kicked it off with someone at the store, talked about how hard it is to make friends as adults and we both wish it was like when we were kids and you could just ask someone to be your friend, said “well it was nice to meet you!” turned around and drove home

*destroys head of lettuce*

*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*

[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]

me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!

wife: oooooooohhhhhhh

midwife: that’s it keep pushing

ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time

people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day

No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.

Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.

Xylophonist Shredding It

I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat

I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward

Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.

My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off

There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.

Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included

Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.

Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone

Sleep when the baby sleeps, eat when the baby eats, edit your manuscript when the baby edits their manuscript

if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.

The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.

I bought some night vision goggles so I can eat lasagna in bed at night without waking up my wife.

A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.

“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?

Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.

my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”

I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.

I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no

Me: What are you doing?!

5-year-old: Hugging my sister.

Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.

5:

Me:

5: The good ones do.

A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it