[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
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My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
i hate you platonically
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?