Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic

AAA: sir this is triple A

me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake

Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.

My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.

A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.

Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.

My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”

Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car

Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.

Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today

Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee

Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes

Shout out to sidewalks.

Thanks for keeping me off the streets.

”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar

*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*

What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.

Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf

*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT

[first date]

Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*

Me: *gets up and leaves*

(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)

Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”

Me: “That depends.”

Interviewer: “On?”

Me: “If I get this job.”

Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”

Me: “Great, no take backs!”

Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”

The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.

*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch around

Are these the stairs that guy dragged you down?

Me: *falls down entire staircase*

(20 full seconds of silence)

Dad: …careful.

“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee

I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?

There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house

Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?

4: I taked it out of the trash can.

Me: *eye twitches*

I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.

me: wow you sure are playing hard to get

after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you

*Geography Bee*

Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”

Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”

Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.

Me: I’m pregnant

Him: OH NO

Me: with emotion

Him: oh, whew

Me: because there’s a baby inside me

Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]

James Potter: push down and then pull back

Voldemort: I am [still struggling]

Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it

Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10