Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
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*Inspirational Tweets*
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The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.