Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.

I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.

Chaining myself to the bed tonight, not because I’m a werewolf, but because there are bags of unattended Halloween candy all over the house.

After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill

It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.

One day my kids will move out and discover the dishes don’t clean themselves and I feel for them. I really do.

Whether it’s oversharing with cashiers, feeding stray animals or making paper dolls with celebrity faces we all have our way of coping with loneliness. The important thing is not to get carried away and start a podcast

A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.

My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.

Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.

Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no

The world is your Oyster.

So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?

I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.

Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.

“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco

I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.

The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.

batman: who do I see about this ticket?

cop: oh, I wrote it

batman: who tickets the batmobile!?

cop: you were illegally parked

batman: I was fighting crime!

cop: rules are rules

batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!

cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?

Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?

Bill collector: Um.

“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”

Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?

*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakable

Me: HAHA!

Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way

Me:

Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.

Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.

How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?

[first date]

Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol

Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape

You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work

*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco

Doctor: how do you stay active?

Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min

I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”

[spelling bee]

Judge- Your word is dirty.

Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?

Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…

Me- Does it want to be spanked?