cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
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Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
When your boss says it’s not a two person job.
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
no refunds
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
Stop being $50 to eat, food.
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
Motion detecting home security camera working well!