can’t wait til they legalize outside
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I respect the moon’s unwillingness to be photographed on a phone
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty dissapointed in them ever since though.
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
You ever go to a baseball game and hear a guy yelling, “hotdogs! hotdogs!” over and over again?
That’s me, looking for hotdogs.
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it