Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍

Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly

My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.

All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.

My medical alert bracelet says, “You can’t kill her. We’ve already tried. Like 7 times”

Oh, you have ‘haterz.’

Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.

[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*

[first day as life guard]

guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!

me: *moving my arms* like this but in water

What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”

Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne

Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?

I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.

Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?

Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??

Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”

Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?

Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.

C:

Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.

If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.

🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀 oh sory about that we were just passing by

COP: I’m arresting you

ME: oh no

COP: You must make one phone call

ME: OH NO

“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”

I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.

I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never

People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”

If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby

ME: I have an appointment for 1:30

RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?

ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you

I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga

Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?

LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry

Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?

Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.

HFD:

Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.

Fellas, be sure to never ask a lady any questions on a date. This makes them feel interrogated. Strong declarative statements only