can’t wait til they legalize outside
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My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Leonardo DiCaprisun
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
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Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
If you turn it upside down, a pyramid scheme works out nicely for everyone except the one guy at the bottom.
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent