Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…

Joseph: 3 minutes BC

Mary: Aaarghhhhhh

Joseph: 2 minutes BC

Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!

Joseph: 1 minute BC

Mary: JESUS CHRIST

I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.

Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.

Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.

When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.

If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.

Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.

~inventor of cereal bags probably

[ad for umbrellas]

[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]

“There must be a better way!”

Voiceover: UMBRELLAS

I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.

Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.

Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.

Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.

#Caturday

Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.

Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.

Wife: I watched you dress her.

snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me

me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—

snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*

My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.

*Goes to bathroom

*Reaches down to unzip

*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours

*Starts wearing underwear

all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.

Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).

I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.

*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN

Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.

it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.

I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.

*pokes sex life with a stick

I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.

Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.

This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.

“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests