The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
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*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.