“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
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A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
murder on the timeline
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
How dude HOW?!
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
I hate when interviewers ask a second place finisher about not coming in first but I love this response from Andreas Reiterer.
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
She: I like Cats
He:
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”