“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
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6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
described my dog as a “man of few words” and the uber driver didn’t laugh. gonna open the door on the freeway.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror