Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
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How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
You guys know your secrets are safe with me. It’s the people I share them with you can’t trust.
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
I like that he just laid there without moving like I might not notice the cookie he slid over to himself
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
I often miss my train in the morning. And during the rest of the day. I never should have given away that train
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.