Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
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My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
me to God
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
Worst Native American name ever.
