[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
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Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?