Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(NASA)

HQ: Good launch everyone.

Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?

NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.

Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?

“How’s the diet going?”

I beep when I back up now.

I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold

My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.

“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*

thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this

[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.

if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires

*gets up from couch after laying on it with eyes closed for 30 minutes*

Me: I’m going to take a nap.

Husband: Wasn’t that just what you were doing?

Me: That was a pre-nap. Time for the real thing.

*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses

Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*

me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.

I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.

When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”

Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.

Camping?
No thank you.

If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.

If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.

The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.

Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.

has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence

The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it

– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house

billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire

smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good

God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL

*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*

I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.

What do you call a reluctant potato?

A hesi-tato

😂

Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.

My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..