Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
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Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
Pig Latin is the most delicious of the dead languages
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
Being a dog must be wild, everyone you meet is your masseuse
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky