Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
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Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
Katy perry I have listened to your new song backwards and I understand the mission. Sleeper cell activated
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole