Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
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Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
Have a lovely day 😊
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
I found a doctor online and I was happy because I could sign up for an appointment without contacting anybody. Since 3:15pm yesterday, I have received 13 contacts from them for today’s appointment.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.