Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
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Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
you’re either watching a movie with me or you’re watching a movie against me
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.