Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
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Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
japanese corn
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
Last night I watched a pirated movie. On a scale of 1-10 I’d have to give it 3.14159265359
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
I’ve just taken a tablet that completely erases your memory of the last 24hrs.
What was I thinking?
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
Looking forward to Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck getting back together again in 2044.
being too stressed isn’t good for the baby.
i’m not pregnant though, its just that i’m the baby
you guys HAVE to try the golden retriever in springfield. it is soooo good
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles