Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.

These are the questions people should be asking. 🤣

my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee

Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.

My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.

undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss

Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”

I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.

[ undercover stake out ]

me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you

donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*

Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.

Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.

wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about

due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.

If looks could kill

went to a dinner last night and we are struggling

In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.

Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.

I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.

If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.

*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what

the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air

“Have you seen my thumb ring?”

~ my proctologist

Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.

Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships

Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.

Mad Max Arctic Road

Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-

“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”

{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”

[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…

[another scientist who worked on the project] me too

GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…

BAD COP: Or the hard way.

UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!