Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*

To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.

Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.

Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.

If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…

Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.

I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.

Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.

Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?

[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”

My wife really is the sunshine of my life.

Too bad I’m a vampire.

GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT

Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?

All those years of karate training wasted …

I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….

I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.

Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert

Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.

When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.

“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”

I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.

We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket

911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead

*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*

People who talk to themselves tend to be great lovers.
Did you know that?
Yes, I did know that.
Thank you for asking.

My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.

18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.

Me: …

Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”

Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”

Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.

Me: Is that why I’m-

Boss: That’s why you’re working.

No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.

I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.