Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
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My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
Aaaa…CHOO!
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
Ok I’m going to read my question six more times to try to understand your answer
-reading my manager’s reply
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.