Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
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You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
Babe, what’s wrong? You’ve hardly touched your Wallace and Gromelette.
Eat…
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving