Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
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I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
A service where you bring a working printer to my house, I print the one thing I need, and you leave again until next year
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
I’m dead 😂😂😂😂😂
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
Kind of rude you didn’t wake me up before you went went.
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.