Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute

My leg-lengthening surgery was a success, but I accidentally spent the last three months turning the screws the wrong way, and now I’m 3’ 4”.

The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.

Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*

The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.

I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.

Opening up a chiropractor office and calling it “Back to Normal”

Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.

I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.

You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.

Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”

*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*

What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead

At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.

Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days

I think about this cartoon a lot.

i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street

As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.

“How’s the diet going?”

I beep when I back up now.

the worm is coming from inside the brain

So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …

certified hallow’s eve classic

I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.

Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?

A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you

If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.

Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag

Him: sir this is a food bank

Me: put all the broccoli in the bag

Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me

Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming

I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.