Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To accommodate the size of my wife’s new water bottle we’ve replaced the passenger seat of her car with a cupholder

I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.

toddler: daddy do you like this book?

me: no

toddler: *snuggles in* perfect

(Job interview)

The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later

Me: Okay, I’ll start later then

If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste

Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week

I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.

The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.

I don’t need all of these heat advisory warnings on my phone. I’ve been outside. I have skin. I know.

Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?

Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.

inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder

[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.

Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.

Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.

When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for

Why do they have the Met gala on a monday? the celebs probably have to come straight from from work

Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.

Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.

Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.

(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)

My husband made me mad so I sent him to a store that closed a year ago to buy something they stopped making two years ago

I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”

me: this glass is too small

bartender: would you prefer a tumbler

me: yes

acrobat: what can I get you

7-11 CLERK: what are you doing

ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars

DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-

MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?

DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.

Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill

Chip bags should be clear, show me what you want me to pay $6 for, cowards.

me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?

court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here

*walks into Best Buy*

*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”

“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich

[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready