Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next

“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.

Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.

I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?

There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.

God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”

Angel: We’re out of human heads.

God: “Hand me a pineapple.”

You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.

I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here

ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now

*licks finger, holds it up in the air*

ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.

[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that

Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”

When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts

Me when I see someone that knows me in public..

[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”

There’s lots of fish in the sea

“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”

Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?

An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls

Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.

I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.

I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.

There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.

Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?

Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?

I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]

You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…

They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?

Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week

“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”

“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”

“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”

weaknesses

I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.

thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’