“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
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buying a used car and telling people it’s a rescue
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
Favourite diary entry ever
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
my favorite genre of twitter
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
One day you’re young and carefree, the next somebody refers to a movie set in the 80s as a period piece.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
That earthquake could have been an email.
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
Previously On Persistence 😎
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.