“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
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I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
y’all made fun of plankton on spongebob for dating a computer and look at y’all now 💀
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
Me: Do you have a Summer menu?
Waiter: We have a menu at all times of the year. Otherwise people couldn’t select food and beverage options.
Me:
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s texas chainsaw massacre.