“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
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[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
Guy: what do you know about crypto
Me: that’s a DC villain, right?
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
just great. my first shift as a secret service agent and i overslept :/ hopefully nothing bad happened
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
Nothing like standing up after sitting for 15 minutes to turn my swagger into stagger
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?