Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear

It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.

Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.

What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*

[Before people were invented]

THE EARTH: This is nice

Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so

I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.

Gynecologist: …

Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction

My favorite condiment is Worcestershire sauce. Why? It’s hard to say.

Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.

My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.

“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”

My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.

Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?

Material possessions mean nothing to me.

*breaks phone*

I don’t think I can make it through this week.

Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.

Me:

Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…

Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.

[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse

The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever

“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”

Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat

[an eagle shrieks in the distance]

You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.

But God knows I’ve tried.

journal

Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.

[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”

My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.

I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.

Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind

Rainbows

Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.

My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂

4 year old has a new bit where he pretends to have a fatal scooter accident. it’s very funny but the other patrons of the farmer’s market seemed alarmed

HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.

Girlfriend: Are you crying?

Me: It’s a wedding episode…

Gf: But you don’t even like this show

Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭