Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
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Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
being a social worker is crazy because those are literally my 2 least favorite things
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
Best Halloween decoration so far. 😅
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”