CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
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Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
I’m not starting a presentation with “ladies and gentlemen” I’m using the gender neutral “to those who heed my warnings”
Don’t we all.
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.