Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.

sometimes my toddler throws stuff on the floor and then shouts “OH NO” and that’s kind of like what politicians do

Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020

you watch a movie then have to go to work the next day doesn’t seem right

Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.

I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone

cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.

I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.

AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S

[At my seance]

Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely him

Friend 2: How can you tell?

F1: He spelled “your” wrong.

Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.

Can me and you go out sometime?

“No, your grammar is too poor”

Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?

saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈

When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”

No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.

Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.

my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree

When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.

The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!

Them: The meek shall inherit the earth

the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good

I would move hell over six inches for you

For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.

Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?

Her: I bet you forgot it.

Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]

Her: ?

Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?

Her: NO

judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth

me: no

judge: [covers mic] what do I do

‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’

– idiots

Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.

Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.

Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.