Capital punishment should only be used for people who say the meeting will end early and then run 5 minutes over.
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Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.