Capital punishment should only be used for people who say the meeting will end early and then run 5 minutes over.
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You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
Meow?
Hear me out:
Ice T, Ice Cube and Vanilla Ice form a supergroup and they call it “The Refreshments”
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
That sweet loving feeling when your kids have been asleep for a couple of hours, the house is quiet, and then you hear one of them get up to pee and you’re certain that not an ounce of urine is actually landing inside the toilet
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
In case anyone was wondering if I’m this bad in real life too
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
“And what did you bring home this week?”
– Parents of sick kids during the 1st month of them going back to school
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
