Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.

It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.

Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband

I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸

I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.

Just had an Aha moment

Then a Duran Duran moment

Then a Eurythmics moment

Most people think “as the crow flies” means ‘straight’, but it actually means ‘like an asshole.’

I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.

My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart

WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.

[blind date]

HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?

ME: Absolu-

WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?

HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan

ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan

Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones

If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle

police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…

[texting]

Me: I’m over IT.

Friend: Over what?

Me: You know…IT.

Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.

Me: IT as in Information Technology.

Friend: You CAN’T be over that.

[1 week later]

Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.

[hanging out in my basement]

Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.

Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.

I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.

GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn

“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….

them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty

me:

Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.

*goes to Walmart*

*goes to Target*

*flies across world*

*takes train*

*rides in car*

*hikes highest mountain*

*gets to Guru*

Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?

I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”

A mosquito bit me and now it’s gotten a DUI and an intervention

What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?

My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.

There is no Hotdog Bell here.

I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.

“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*

Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on

Miscakes

This is deadly serious:

Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”

There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.

There are 233 today.

There will be *5,000* in a week

TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.