Capital punishment should only be used for people who say the meeting will end early and then run 5 minutes over.
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Me, thinking about the time the cashier said, “Come back soon,” and I said, “You too.”
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
“If you don’t ask, you don’t get” isn’t always true because I definitely did not ask you to be such a massive tw#t.
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
79.
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it