Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Computer: shutting down
Me: same

The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.

ME: What if I have a robotic arm?

PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.

ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?

PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.

ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?

PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.

Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness

Astronomer: Hello

Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!

Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life

Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.

At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.

Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.

Ma’am…

(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)

Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.

Me: It’s an autobiography.

Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great

If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it

Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk

Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women

ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.

The manager of this gym is looking at me like he’s never seen someone sit on weight bench to finish their hash-browns.

I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.

I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn

Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.

I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.

He f**ng waved.

So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.

Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…

As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.

Tomorrow’s weather forecast:

60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.

I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something

i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎

6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?

Me:

6: I like it

Me: It’s mistletoe son

me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”

It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar

Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.

Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?

Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.