Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.

It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years

My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)

Me: are you mad at me?

Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!

WHAT ARE WE?

Writers!

WHAT ARE WE WRITING?

Snacks!

WAIT, WHAT?

Snacks first, THEN writing!

No, wait, coffee/tea too!

Maybe a nap beforehand!

THEN WRITING?

No, then Twitter

THEN WRITING!

Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow

#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity

I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.

we stayed at an air bnb with the most perfect pillows. a revelation. perfectly firm but soft. my neck stopped hurting. so I wrote down the brand and item number from the tag and looked it up and they’re the same pillows we have at home

went to this place once that claims it’s a brewery that doesn’t brew any of the beer it serves and the bartender was like “yep we are the first of our kind” & i didn’t have the heart to tell him that he opened up a bar, that’s a bar, bro

Jason: Honey?

Wife: Mmmm?

Jason: Where is my hockey mask?

W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete

J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors

If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.

I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.

Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?

*later walking home*

Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies

Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.

‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.

But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.

Stay woke, friends.

That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.

Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.

Tear gas is the saddest gas.

Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”

First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.

I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store

“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”

Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!

me: oh great that’s-

Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake

me: uh

Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-

me: please don’t come to town

If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?

I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.

Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.

movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)

Husband getting dressed:

Me: Purple and green don’t go together.

Husband: It works for the Joker.

Me: My point exactly.

Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute

I hope this is the year Santa brings me a DNA testing kit so I can finally figure out which kid has been leaving all the glasses in the sink after I’ve cleaned the kitchen

dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom