Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
You Might Also Like
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
If I ignore life will it go away?
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
if i say “morning!” to you it does not mean “good morning” i am merely exclaiming in horror that it is morning
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
Have the confidence of an older white man welcoming you to a dinosaur park
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*