Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
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Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
My zodiac sign is pistachio
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*