Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
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Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
Hell yes I am good at counterfeiting. How many $36 dollar bills do you want?
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
In 1987, an American weapons manufacturing employee joked to his boss that he had sold secrets to the Daleks. The boss reported the employee and the matter reached the FBI, where the investigation stopped after someone explained who the Daleks were.
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”