Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
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“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Emojis are fun for when you want to express emotions using disembodied heads.
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
“I thought it might be nice to go around the room and have everyone introduce themselves, including a fun fact.”
You thought wrong.
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
Me: Ok, I’m ready to sit down and really lock into work for the next hour.
My neighbor firing up a power saw at that exact moment: MUAHAHAHAHA
and now we wait
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots