Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
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If I win the lottery I’m buying four politicians and some really nice shoes.
As a retiree, I have two pairs of pajamas. Bedtime and daytime. Sometimes I get them confused.
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
“comparison is the thief of joy” well sure if you’re a loser
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
this is not ok. they turnt him into ice crims 💔💔
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
My mom always said, ‘If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.’ Funeral was pretty quiet
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”