Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp

Me: School tomorrow! Hahahaha!

Child: Work today and for the rest of your life.

Me: Dammit.

Son: dad how do they fit people into those little urns when they die?

Dad: well have you seen honey i shrunk the kids ?

Son: yes

Dad: great movie but it’s not like that they use a big fire

English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words

I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.

I hate people who make grandma mistakes.

“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”

*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*

I know what I said.

My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.

Saw this yesterday lol

I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.

*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper

“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”

*sighs
*leaves

waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please

you could not pay me to delete this app

*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*

My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED

IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.

Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.

just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio

We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.

Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now

I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.

Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.

“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys

DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”

Click on account

Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girl

Me: Okay, I can work with this.

Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.

Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.

Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.

I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.

My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”

I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.

Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.

*escorted from Starbucks

I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!

Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.