Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.

Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.

[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care

[after explaining speed limit signs]

5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits

There’s always that one guy

See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….

DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer

Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.

“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”

Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.

If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.

You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.

Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me

It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.

If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.

‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.

‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.

wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?

me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.

Venn

Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.

– a short history of responsibility

I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.

Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?

Me: Probably… Saskatchewan

Them: …

Me: or Worcestershire

[Jesus on the cross]

*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”

*5 hrs pass*

“new phone. who dis?”

9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?

Me: To show God we have our act together.

9: But he knows we’re lying.

I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”

My 6yo just told me all about this new place he heard about and wants to visit this weekend, so I asked for more details, aaaand it’s a casino

Halloween decorations are expensive. Ghosts will re-decorate your house for free 👻

Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”

plums roundup

Doctor: So what brings you in today?

Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.

1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave