Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.

So much to do right now

*cracks open beer*

So much to do tomorrow

I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.

My brother just sent me an angry text.

the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”

*first day of umpire school*

Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?

Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine

Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.

Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.

they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it

“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”

*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”

“sir…that’s a parrot”

[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?

P: No, there hasn’t.

Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]

[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them

100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.

8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.

I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.

[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles

If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved

Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.

There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.

My husband is great with playing games with them.

I’m good at taking them outside to play.

And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.

Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around

COP: Know why I stopped you?

“Drag racing?”

COP: Nope.

“Speeding?”

COP: Definitely not.

“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”

COP: That’s the one.

I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”

My teenage children choosing violence

No one told me my life would become so much googling it

It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it

I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.

“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.

Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“

Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.

Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.

Folks ask me if I ever get tired of putting smiles on the faces of kids and their families in my job as a theme park mascot and my answer is always the same: God yes, are there any openings where you work?

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?