Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat

I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies

I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming

A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun

Quarantine log, Day 8:

Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.

Me: What for? You have plenty of food.

Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.

Me:

Me: You can talk!

me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock

My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.

My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.

*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*

In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.

[Commercial for narrators]

Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS

All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.

New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.

Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂

It’s Fat Bear Week, and they have been storing fat all year for the coming winter. Cute, considering that I’ve been doing that for decades and get absolutely no recognition

Exhausted Parent PSA-

The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.

A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible

Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.

[on a date]

him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone

me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*

Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death

Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”

😅😅😅

I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.

Best goalkeeper.. 😅

wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy

[i see a hot girl walking her dog]

me: hi, can i ask you a question?

her: hi, uh, sure

me: i was talking to your dog

her: oh haha ok

me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me

got so much cardio in today

Friend: I’m poly.

Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!

Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.

Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes

Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes

Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.