Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
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Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.