Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
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My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
Was just walking along when I got news that caused me to clasp my hands over my face in gentle despair, at which point a passing teen with impeccable timing shouted ‘Peekaboo!’ at me.
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
my HOA sent me a complaint about weeds being in my front yard and they took a picture of me….pulling the weeds…..and sent it to me saying I needed to do something about it ???? omfg
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
Actually cracking up @ this
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
only eating apples so worms can better understand the housing crisis
Why do they have the Met gala on a monday? the celebs probably have to come straight from from work
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.