A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
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Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
To the co-worker who had a 17 min conversation with me and didn’t tell me I had a smudge on my forehead. It’s on!!
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
The hardest thing about my juice cleanse is trying to juice Kit Kats & Doritos.
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u