Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.

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“Damn do you have a wizard wand in your pocket or are you just happy to see me? ;)”
*pulls wand from pocket*
“I haven’t been happy in years”


[Me as a getaway driver] Ok before we set off does anyone need the toilet?


[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail


If Daryl doesn’t get laid this season, I’m gonna have to say that this documentary is fake.



I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”


Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year


Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.


Customer: Do you guys have wings?

Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.


I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.