Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
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Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
Moms. The original autocorrect.
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
The glockness monster
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”