@GibJimson

Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.

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@CJhooray

“Damn do you have a wizard wand in your pocket or are you just happy to see me? ;)”
*pulls wand from pocket*
“I haven’t been happy in years”

@brynnester

[Me as a getaway driver] Ok before we set off does anyone need the toilet?

@bobvulfov

[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail

@TheMichaelRock

If Daryl doesn’t get laid this season, I’m gonna have to say that this documentary is fake.

#TheWalkingDead

@ThisOneSayz

I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”

@jilli212

Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year

@NoogsCorner

Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.

@OrdinaryAlso

Customer: Do you guys have wings?

Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.

@goldengateblond

I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.