Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
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Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.