Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed

Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.

me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby

I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues

7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?

Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.

When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?

ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*

“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement

I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.

Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot

Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .

An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.

I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.

-phone call-

Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye

wake up babe a new reaction meme just dropped

It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy

[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]

ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer

*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*

Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.

Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?

Me: Did you use the elevator?

Friend: I took the stairs.

Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?

I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.

I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.

It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.

I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting

if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up

I texted my ex,

I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.

“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.

“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults

Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.

Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.

Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.

Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right

Guy on subway: what

Me: what