Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
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I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
This is Sparta
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.