Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
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Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
Look, if you’re worried about hidden cameras in your Airbnb, just send me in ahead of time. I’ll put on a little show in every room, and the owner will pull any and all hidden cameras no sweat.
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
the way she just yells ‘STOP IT!’ in a drive by telling off to the two riding goats as she runs past on her way to rescue the other one – I can’t breathe
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
There are two types of people in politics. Avoid them.
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
Breaking news:
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.