Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
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Applying for jobs sometimes is wild like how am i supposed to be passionate about a company I don’t even work for yet?
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
I need this for my side hustle.
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
One of the great things about being a dad is how easy it is to launder my own desire for ice cream through my children
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE