Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school

Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.

Wife: I know. It’s awful.

Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…

Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.

INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes

BOSS: what should we call it

GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea

Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.

When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?

I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.

nurse: time of death

doctor: 4:19—

[i take one last breath]

doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot

If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.

Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?

Paid. Gamer. Leave.

Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).

How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people

Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off

My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”

3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75

Who decided to play Jumanji?

Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.

“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.

Me, to kid: “Don’t be scared; it’s only a movie. It’s not like it’s REAL!”

Also Me: watched Poltergeist as a kid and still have lifelong trust issues with trees, clown dolls, TV static, & walk-in closets.

“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”

I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!

Oops

You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also

We are not the sane

feetloaf

Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?

i love modern commerce

He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.

Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context

Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background

This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.

I bet you didn’t see that one coming.

To accommodate the size of my wife’s new water bottle we’ve replaced the passenger seat of her car with a cupholder

DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.

ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?

DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.

ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*

since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void

I like my men well-rounded

and sweet

and rich

and available

and covered in sprinkles

wait a minute…

that’s donuts

I like donuts