Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.

Dog’s confession but adopted a full pedigree “failed” Border Collie sheepdog from a farm. Took him to sister-in-law’s place who had a footstool made of real sheep’s wool. Turns out reason he’s a “failed” sheepdog is coz he’s scared of sheep. Apparently even sheep’s wool is scary

My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.

giddy up Office Depot

Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce

Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!

Me: that makes us vest friends!

Daughter: vest friends forever!

Me:

Daughter:

Me: HAHAHAHA!

Daughter: HAHAHAHA!

Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?

Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )

[gun shop]

ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?

CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal

ME: Ok

CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately

Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.

I think my husband is beginning to suspect

ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.

Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate

Target employee: Describe your lost item

Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside

Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots

Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary

7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.

Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist

Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor

[BOOPS nose]

COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.

He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.

(3 minutes into a hunger strike)

Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.

My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home

Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?

I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy

I’ve had the same dentist for 40 years, so it pisses me right off when he asks if I want a sticker. Of course I want a sticker, I always want my sticker. It’s bloody scary going to the dentists and I deserve my sticker compensation. Once I got two and I was so fucking happy.

‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong

It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.

Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.

*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers

If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane

The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.

“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.