Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
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Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
Kids, do not try this at home!
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
The Lion King is my favourite film outlining why you shouldn’t trust your uncle
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ