Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does

That’s why I think of running everyday

A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.

The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.

A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime

doctor: the bad news is you’re dying

me: so there’s good news?

doctor: not for you, no

[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?

[someone is nice to me]

*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*

please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume

Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.

3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first

The One that Got Away… a memoir of a french fry lost in a crevice beside the driver’s seat and the aroma that made it impossible to forget.

[white house staff meeting]

Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*

me: what drink ya got there?

11: a smoothie I made

me: oh. What’s in it??

11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.

me: and you won’t eat a tomato.

(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)

DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.

My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.

3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in

If the sun is so hot how come it’s single

ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day

FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?

ME: no, I just had the one

My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈

Someone: how are you?

Me: thanks, you too.

Mom can you come get me?

I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy

I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.

Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.

I wish I was as confident as my 15 yo who says he showered even though he smells like onions and rotten taco bell.

I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.

Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.

There are plenty of fish in the sea.

There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.

[Social Media Addiction Club]

Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.

*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.

Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.

*reading a bedtime story to kids in the 1800s*
little miss muffet sat on her tuffet eating her curds & whey when all of a sudden robert ford shot jesse james in the back as he was hanging a picture, suddenly making interior decorating one of the most dangerous jobs in america