Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
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Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
How do we know what dinosaurs sounded like? They could have whispered or had a Swedish accent. We don’t know
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
Do you know what kind of pants a psychic wears?
Just a paranormal pants.
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.