Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
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guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
“Nothing beats in-person interaction”. Yeah, with someone I know and love, not Denise from finance.
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
Start every phone call with “My battery is at 5%” so you can hang up whenever you want.
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*