Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]

Extraordinary.

ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.

CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.

ME: I will take 4 parrots.

Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.

Really Jennifer? Most people love it.

Me: It’s time to take a bath.

6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!

Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.

6: For my whole life?

Me: Yes

6: What!? Uggggghhhhh

“And what did you bring home this week?”

– Parents of sick kids during the 1st month of them going back to school

I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).

My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.

Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.

Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.

Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.

If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.

Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?

Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.

Me: Yes it is.

Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.

My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.

My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.

Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.

Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.

*Swivels around in swivel chair*

*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*

Evil villian: WEEEEE!

Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess

STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?

PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.

Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?

Me: I got the dirt off.

Wife: What does that mean?

Me: *hides the leaf blower*

i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening

Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.

So you heard that after I won several cuts from the butchers in a card game, I got back home to the farm to find out that one of my female sheep was questioning the existence of tropical cyclones, and you want to know if its true?
Well that’s four meat Uno, and ewe typhoon doubt.

waitress: are there any allergies at this table?

me, already drunk: POLLEN

*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*

My husband accused me of not being affectionate, so I kissed the FedEx guy.

My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.

My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.

Just choked on a apple…

Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..

All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.

Murder* documentaries**

What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapes

What I could draw:
damaged stairs