@ItsAndyRyan

Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”

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@climaxximus

[Bear attack]

Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.

Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!

@deegeemindi

If someone got my name tattooed on them I’d break up with them to prove it was a bad idea.

@SondraDeeMe

My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”

@Tommytoughstuff

[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”

@chimneyspotter

WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt

@thefurlinator

“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate

@Parentpains

I never knew my mechanic was a psychic until he loudly announced that I had blown a tranny in my car.

@YuckyTom

a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin