@ItsAndyRyan

Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”

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@OtherDanOBrien

[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*

@RandomManik

Taco Bell is planning on doubling the ‘meat’ in their ingredients. Unlike Cadbury, they’re informing us in advance.

@CornOnTheGoblin

[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted

@ddsmidt

X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…

@eugene_bosco

Life is not a FAIRY TALE.
If you lose your shoes 👟👞
at midnight,
YOU ARE DRUNK

@ericsshadow

“You could have done so much better than him.”

Me: Mom, I’m right here.

@AintNoFamily

I can’t wait to stick my descriptive adjective all up in your noun until you verb all over my face.

@NewDadNotes

God: you’re a yak.

Yak: actually i’m an emo cow.

God: wait-what?

Yak: why do you think I grew my hair out?

God: why?

Yak: cause i’m going through some stuff right now.

God: oh.

Yak: guess my favorite band?

God:

Yak: my chemoocal romance.

God: [nods] you ARE an emo cow.