Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!

Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.

Buck naked

My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.

why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead

The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.

Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.

A holiday of 20 days, 6 countries and the first thing my kid says after being back is “ah I have missed my own toilet”.

If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.

Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets

Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.

“There’s someone out there for everyone”.

A really vague Receptionist.

First date

Him: What do you do?

Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]

“I’m a model.”

[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”

[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team

I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.

She’s such an idiot.

911 what’s the emergency

“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”

Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*

House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!

you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic

“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists

According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.

Do you know how fast you were going sir?

“15,000mph?”

Wha? No,like 65?

“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”

I guess so.

“Ok bye”

bye?

When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”

*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”

It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”

I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.

My husband made me mad so I sent him to a store that closed a year ago to buy something they stopped making two years ago

HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .

Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets

Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you

This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.

The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.