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If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
me to God
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
When life hands you women, make women laid.
dogs can find happiness so easily
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
I kinda want a boyfriend but then where will I put my purse when I drive?
I just ate $35 worth of Taco Bell before entering this escape room. We’re getting out one way or another.
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
Yes, that’s a waffle maker. Yes, I know this is a gym. No, you cannot have a homemade waffle.
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
Come closer…..and let me just rest this pillow on your face.