Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[two years ago]

me: planet with the rings?

google: S͟a͟t͟u͟r͟n – Wikipedia

[now]

me: does italy exist

google: nope.

Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂

I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.

5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?

Me: I don’t know.

5-year-old:

Me:

5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?

my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking

38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out

Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.

The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off

❤️🦆

My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions

Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.

horse: these pants fit me perfectly

sales clerk: very good sir

horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs

sales clerk: *discretely* of course

Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.

Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.

PRO TIP:

Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you

ME: *tying hotdogs together*

Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?

Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!

held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast

[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?

I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.

*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*

Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.

you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant

me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot

date: what kind of books?

me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones

My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.

Caught my daughter eating 6 mini cupcakes and I should probably ground her but if you think about it it’s really like 2 cupcakes so I’m fine with it.

ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.

My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.

I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami

I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.

Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.

If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.