Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.

An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.

My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.

I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.

Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side

Resistance training

But me dragging my kids into school.

Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.

I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.

My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.

My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.

if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies

Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.

It’s kids. I have kids.

“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”

If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.

If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips

ME: let me be frank

DAD: [eyes widen]

ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed

DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed

Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent

I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜

friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get

me: what do you mean

[2 hard lemonades later]

me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it

“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”

-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down

Her: Give me a chat up line?

Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?

Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?

Me: No, you smell like an animal.

if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.

How animals would run if they were human

“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am

“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”

– Old Southern Proverb

My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.

Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.

Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.

I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards

pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet

guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*

[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]

ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer