Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’m over 40 and I stretched.”

-me, explaining why I can’t move my back

Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?

My kid said a bad word and we ran out of soap, so I washed his mouth out with cilantro

Her: is it in yet

Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me

Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.

Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?

Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.

[deserted Island]

other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies

me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously

Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.

If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.

Can’t

I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am

There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity

Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”

I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.

“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”

A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.

It was an unexpected LAN slide.

*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*

Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”

Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”

Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?

Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends

Lawyer: remember, you took an oath

Me: just one friend

Lawyer: an oath on the Bible

Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom

My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.

Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.

I threw away garbage.

In the garbage can.

The day after garbage day.

My husband is horrified with me.

Livid.

God: you have terrible eyesight.

Bat: oh no.

God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.

Bat: sweet!

God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.

Bat:

God:

Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.

I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her

So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.

Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?

British meanings of “you look well”

1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…

Alex: A ship that has sunk

What is my relationship?

Alex: No sorry tha-

[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex

Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.

me adding lol on a serious message

me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first