Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”

Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while

Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail

Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY

9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi

What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?

I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”

Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.

Main problem with house prices is the numbers are simply Too Big. What is six hundred thousand dollars. That’s just word salad. A house should be “fifty bucks”

I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…

and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”

Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?

Walt Disney: Kill the mom.

P: and the mermaid movie?

WD: Kill the mom.

P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?

WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.

Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️

When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies

My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.

We met by accident

Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??

me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*

her: nope just crazy

me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons

I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please

My hypnotist is not a quack. I have never googled my hypnotist. My hypnotist has not stolen from me.

Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.

MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.

Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….

If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.

My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.

Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.

Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon

Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle

Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.

I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.

I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.

HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK

me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?

Five Guys: thats a peanut.

checking out some reviews of my local library