captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
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If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
Isn’t it odd that “read” is pronounced like “lead”, while “read” is pronounced like “lead”?
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.