Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.

Who the hell invented Bull Riding?

“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”

I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.

SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!

I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.

Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.

After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever

~Women

don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather

Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?

Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.

Oompa Loompa: We need a union…

I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.

94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down

I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.

Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.

Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.

Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.

I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?

I’d watch that

Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?

You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?

right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf

ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait

FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN

It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.

ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series

OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home

Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes

Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture

I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.

*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??

*Whispers in random chicks ear

“I have pizza in the van”

Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?

“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.

I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”