Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af

I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.

by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die

Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.

“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”

Can me and you go out sometime?

“No, your grammar is too poor”

Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?

When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.

Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.

Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.

Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.

Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.

me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.

you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy

“Last call for flight 254”

[Runs to gate]

“You barely made it”

[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan

Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres

*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL

*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL

*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!

– Me pulling up Blinds

Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it

What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.

Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.

honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time

I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”

My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation

Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.

Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.

The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.

If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.

I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.

What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?

My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.

anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?

*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*

Other people: I should put that back where it belongs

Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it