Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?

I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.

ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?

HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*

ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.

The cell connection was bad so either your daughter is going to Yale or to jail. Either way, hope she’s out in five years or less.

When you’re Kinky but poor

[Looking out the window]

Me: I don’t understand this show.

Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.

My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”

[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?

*Refrigerator hums loudly*

The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.

The internet is undefeated.. 😂

I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]

New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.

Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof

Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly

– autocorrect

I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.

Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.

Riddler: Oh?

B: Notice anything different about me?

R:

R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*

[Cannibal Restaurant]

Waiter: Need anything else?

Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?

My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.

My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.

ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth

When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?

I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.

Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.

just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.

There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.

how to lose 20lb

step 1: gain 40lb

PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.

I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.

Ice Spice v. Mice Spice

*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear